So I’ve been sick for the last ten days, with all kinds of things that are keeping me from feeling sexy.  Don’t worry I won’t share the gory details, but it stated with ear infections in both ears from a cold I caught from my toddler.  I find that when I am feeling less connected to my husband, one of the reasons is because we haven’t had sex in a while. In my experience, sex is the number one way to create intimacy in the relationship when it’s missing.

Women, I know we like to talk, share and be vulnerable, that’s how we feel connected.  I have had female clients who feel that they need to be wooed, or romanced to have sex with their partners.  They feel like the intamcy must come first, then the sex. However, for most men, sex is a the way for them to be vulnerable and feel connected to us (not that it’s how they would describe it.) Sex is the access to creating intimacy. And after they are satisfied, they are more likely to be able to listen to us for longer stretches of time for us to share.

As Charlotte York said in Sex & the City, “Harry & I make love 2-3 times a week.” My guess is that is probably a good average that most people are happy with. But Samantha on the other hand wants it all of the time. Once you both have discussed it and have figured out how many times a week keeps you both satisfied, it’s really easy to notice when there is something else going on in the relationship. Yes, I know sometimes, the schedule is off, someone is sick (like I have been), or whatever – but that’s not what I’m talking about.

Sexual frequency is a  good way to judge when there is something else that’s not working in the relationship. If you’re mad at your man for some reason, you don’t want to have sex with him and vice versa.  I know I have had things going on, and not even been aware of a resentment or unspoken communication until I have realized it’s been a while since we’d had sex.

Pay attention: If you are not having sex as often as you would like, or as he would like, look to see what other part of your relationship is blocking the flow of intimacy.  Lack of sex is usually an obvious way to see if things are off track.  So if it’s been a while for you too, figure out what’s bothering you -communicate it, and get it resolved!  Go have some hot make-up sex!  You’ll both feel better soon.